More realisations

Note: my personal posts may disagree which each other. I am writing these post while still working things out for myself, because I thought that some people might find it useful or interesting the hear the thought process I have during this time.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I have no dysphoria over the parts I currently have, but rather dysphoria over the parts I don’t have. And that missing these parts makes me just as dysphoric as I would be if I only had the other parts, and not my current. The only way my dysphoria is relieved, is when I picture having both.

Lately I’ve also been thinking about a question you sometimes hear people ask: “Would you date a (pre-op) trans woman or trans man?” Like I said before, I am bisexual, but significantly more interested in men. I feel like I would not be less attracted to a man, just because he does not have the parts I prefer. But more tellingly, is my answer in regards to trans woman. Namely, that I would probably not date a trans woman, similar to that I would probably not date a cis woman. And that them having the parts I prefer does not make me anymore attracted to them, than as I would be to a cis woman. It should have been pretty obvious to me by now, that what’s in your pants does not determine what gender you are. But I never truly understood the extend of it, until my recent realization.

Which in turn made me think about what wanting both parts means to me, in regards of my gender. Like I said before, I did not feel comfortable thinking about myself as gender neutral. It just sounded incorrect, although I could not explain why I it felt this way. Now I feel like this is because I am just a man. What parts I have, or wish to have, do not change this at all. I feel like these ‘female feelings’ where only temporary. A way for my brain to bring my wish to have both parts to my attention. This, combined with thoughts I can only describe as sexist. Because I didn’t quite realize how men could also wish to feel beautiful. But maybe I am wrong. I have not had any of these ‘female feelings’ I experienced before, since my latest revelations, but maybe this is the part that is only temporary. I guess I’ll found out.

~ Salmacian King

A (not so) little bit about me

I’ll start by saying that grammar isn’t my strong suit. So if you are particularly keen on this, I’ll apologize for the headaches in advance.

I spend most of my life thinking I was a cis woman. A couple years ago I discovered that I was transgender and began my transitioning journey. I struggled with my sexuality for a while. Eventually I concluded that I was bisexual, but primarily interested in men. At the time of this post I’ve been living as a man and been taking hormones for quite a while. I hope to have top surgery soon, and eventually bottom surgery (phalloplasty) as well. I plan to share the details and pictures of these surgeries with you. I plan to make a very detailed documentation of my bottom surgery in particular, since there is so little information available on this subject. My identity however, I will keep anonymous. I am not ashamed of what I am, but I feel that the world just isn’t ready and I don’t want this to have a negative impact on my life.

I’ve been doing a lot of research about bottom surgery lately. Which made me realize that I do not want to get a vaginectomy (removal of the vagina) when I get phalloplasty (construction of the penis). This realization brought light to some other feelings that I’ve been having lately. Namely the moments where I have more ‘feminine’ feelings. Especially in sexual context. This threw me off quite a bit, because I felt 100% male at this point. My life as a woman was just a vague distant memory. It almost felt like I was biologically born male wanting to transition to female. In that moment I become worried that maybe I wasn’t as male as I thought. That I had made a mistake transitioning. That in the past year I was just ‘being silly’ and that now I had ruined my body with these hormones. But after I calmed down, I realized that this was just the panic talking and that I was being stupid. My ‘male feelings’ hadn’t gone away. In fact, it was way more dominant than these ‘female feelings’. Every step of my transition into male had made me feel better about myself and more complete. That wouldn’t be the case if I weren’t male.

I am shamed to admit that my next instinct was to suppress these feminine feelings. “I am a man now” I thought “lets not make my life anymore complicated than it already is”. But than the déjà vu hit me. This was almost exactly the same situation I was in when I was presenting female and I was confronted with my male feelings. Which made me think back to why I decided to transition. I decided to transition because I knew that I would never be happy as a female. Because I knew that no matter how much misery this transition would bring me, I would still be happier than I was now. The same was true for the situation I was currently in. Suppressing my female feelings would be a mistake. Getting a vaginectomy despite these feelings would be an even bigger mistake. With this realization I obtained my peace once again. My male and female feelings ‘flowed’ more freely, allowing me to really explore them. But I was once again left with the question: what am I?

After some research, I came across various terms. I’m still not quite sure which one to use. The definition of ‘non-binary‘ is someone whose gender identity isn’t exclusively male or female. Which is technically true in my case. But most non-binary people (at least the ones I came across) strived to be more androgynous and like to use gender-neutral pronouns like ‘they’. Which is something that doesn’t feel quite right for me. Though it can also be used as more of an umbrella term for everything that is not binary (female or male).¹ Another term I came across was ‘genderfluid‘. This is a person who shifts between gender over time. For example, one day they feel more feminine and the next day they feel more masculine. This one does not really fit me, because my gender seems pretty constant (as far as I am aware of at the moment at least). Than I came across ‘bigender‘, which means you feel like two genders at once. For example, female and male, or female and non-binary.² I’ve heard people compare it to being bisexual. Robyn Ochs explained it quite well with this quote:³

“I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted – romantically and/or sexually – to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.”

This is something that I feel fits me better. Because I primarily feel male, but I can’t ignore my female feelings. Coincidentally it is about the same with my sexuality. I am primarily attracted to men, but I also feel some attraction to woman, which I can’t ignore. Although my recently discovered gender identity has caused some confusing about the line between who I am attracted to and who I want to be.

The one thing I did notice, is that most people in the ‘bigender community’ do not necessarily wish to medically transition in order to obtain ‘both parts’. This is when someone pointed me too the term ‘salmacian‘. Which, in case you haven’t read the homepage yet, refers to (non-intersex) people who wish to medically transition to a sexually neutral or ambiguous state, or a body that possesses a mix of sexual characteristics.⁴ And thus the Salmacian King was born. Where the king part refers to my dominantly male side. Salmacian is not a very commonly used term, however. Although it is not completely unusual for a trans man to choose not to have a vaginectomy, it is usually performed in such a that it does not quite result in having both parts. (I will explain more about the different options for phalloplasty in a later post). There are only a handful of people who have actually medically transitioned to obtain ‘both parts’. Maybe a dozen in the whole world.

So in the end I am not sure what to call myself. A non-binary, bigender salmacian? I have however, not completely let go of my transgender identity either. Some intersex people also identify as transgender, because they are transitioning to the opposite gender as they (mostly) fit into. In a similar way, I also still identify as transgender. Because, apart from the vaginectomy, I will continue to transition to male. A lot of these terms I’ve mentioned overlap or even mean very similar things. So in the end its all just really about what you choose to call yourself. I still prefer to use male pronouns for myself and thus, in public at least, I will simply identify as male. Meanwhile I’ll continue to search for my gender identity, and try to find out where my gender ends and my sexuality begins.

Testosterone changes: what to expect

What changes testosterone will cause and when these will happen vary immensely from person to person. The effects of hormone replacement therapy (HRT) are very similar to the effect of puberty on cis men. And puberty is not the exact same process for everyone. Below is a average timeline, giving an idea of what changes you might experience and when.

Timeline

0-4 months:

• Sex drive increases (quite often/almost always becomes higher than it was before)
• Acne, and possibly more oily skin (varies from person to person. Skin may even become dryer than before)
• Voice starts changing (This usually starts around month 3 or 4, with a sore throat feeling and breaking or cracking of the voice).
• Muscle development (it becomes easier to develop muscle).
• Increased sweat production
• Body odor changes (most guys notice that they smell a bit different).
• Menopause symptoms: vaginal dryness, hot flashes, etc. (these symptoms vary in severity and may not happen to everyone).
• Menstrual periods stop (this can take anywhere from 2-6 months or beyond depending on your dose and body. Note that it is possible to become pregnant as long as you still have a uterus. Always use a condom!)
• Genital Growth (this varies immensely from person to person. Changes might start becoming noticeable at this point. The clitoris usually ends up around 1-3 inches or so).
• Appetite increases (sometimes)
• Energy increases (sometimes)

5-10 months:

• Voice deepening (the voice generally begins to settle down in months 6-9 and continues to slowly deepen after that. In some cases it may take up to 2 years to completely fill out and finish changing, but the major changes happen in the 1st year).
• Facial hair growth (varies from person to person, might start sooner or later. At this point the peach fuzz will be replaced with longer and more noticeable hairs).
• Body hair increases (leg, stomach, chest, and arm hair, generally become thicker and longer. Again, this varies from person to person. Some may not grow very much hair at all, just like some cis men don’t. Looking at your grandfathers on both sides usually gives you a good idea what to expect.
• Hair line will go back further (men usually have a higher hairline than woman).
• Fat redistribution (varies immensely from person to person. These changes usually take years to complete but may become noticeable around this time. Changes depend on your level of exercise, body shape, genes, etc.).
• Breast tissue decreases (it may decrease the breast size somewhat, but probably not significantly enough to avoid the need for top surgery).

11 months – 5 years:

• Voice settles in
• Facial hair continues to grow
• Body shape continues to change
• Facial shape changes (generally the face becomes more angular and masculine)
• Hair loss (possibly, depends on genetics)

Some may also experience emotional changes. This varies extremely from person to person. Some may notice nothing. Some may get less depressed, more even tempered and calm, etc. For others these may get worse.^1,2,3

Permanent and temporary changes

To maintain these changes, you will have to take testosterone for the rest of your life. Many people starting testosterone are worried that they might change their mind. Rest assured that very few people do. The changes that occur in the first few months will be very subtle, and it this point you will still be able to detransition without any significant permanent changes. Some people, like non-binary people, may take advantage of the temporary changes. They might use testosterone to achieve more masculine features, and stop once they’ve reached a point they are happy with. Note that if you have had a hysterectomy (ovaries removed), you will have to keep taking hormones (whether that is testosterone of estrogen) for the rest of your life.³

The following changes will be permanent:

• Voice (the pitch level of your voice will stay the same as it is the moment you stop taking testosterone).
• Facial/body hair (hair will stop spreading and appearing in larger quantities, but the patches that have already grown will remain. Hair that has been lost will most likely remain lost).
• Genital growth (it will remain the size it was at the moment you stop taking testosterone).

The following changes will be temporary (and thus change back upon stopping HRT):

• Fat redistribution (your body will revert back to a more female appearance).
• Menstrual periods (will start again)
• Acne and oily skin (will most likely revert back to the state it was before starting testosterone)
• Sex drive (will most likely decrease back to the state it was before starting testosterone)
• Body odor (will most likely revert back to the start it was before starting testosterone)

What testosterone will not change

One thing I want to add is that taking testosterone will not change who you are. You still are exactly the same person on the inside. The only difference is that your body will (hopefully) start to match how you feel on the inside, which will most likely cause you to feel happier than you could’ve ever imagined.

Welcome

Welcome to my blog everyone. I am the Salmacian King. How delightful fortune has brought you to my domain. To find out more about what the term “salmacian” means, please refer to the homepage.

It can be very difficult to find good information about transitioning. That’s is why I decided to write this blog. I strive to make one blog containing all the information you could possibly need when transitioning from biologically female to whatever (Ft*). I plan to cover many subjects, like taking testosterone, top surgery, bottom surgery and everything else you may want to know about transitioning. I also plan to cover related subjects, like sexuality. On occasion I might share something about my own transition.

All my posts will be tagged. To find information about a particular subject, please refer to the tags in the sidebar (on the right for desktop, on the bottom for tablet/mobile).

If you notice any mistakes in any of my posts, or like to add additional information, please leave a comment beneath that post.

If you have any comments or questions about the website or transitioning, please use the contact form.